So You've Spent Your Life Living for Everyone Else. Now What?

How to reconnect with yourself after years of putting everyone else's needs first.

Everyone knows you as the person to go to when they need something done right. The one they can depend on in a pinch, to know they will say or do things without asking multiple times, the “yes” person that will go out of their way to help anyone regardless of what they have going on in their lives. This pattern of living for others and people-pleasing is something many of us learned from a young age and continued to function in through our adult lives. What reinforced that behavior?

Praise. The thankfulness from others when they desperately needed help. The acknowledgment of how good a job you do at everything you are tasked with and how often you can be the dependable one for anyone and everyone.

Need. Most of the time it felt like there was not an option to say no. The automatic assumption that “if I don’t do it no one else will” or even worse we let someone else handle something to get it off our plate then end up doing it ourselves because the task was not done correctly. There is a strong link between anxiety and people pleasing when we feel this way.

Perfection. It feels good to be good at things and for those who enjoy being good at something you find a way to make your survival (aka a paycheck) doing something that you are good at. If you have found my blog, there is a high likelihood that you are in a profession where caring for others is at the core of what you do and you have perfected your craft for years to be the best you can be (while being a lifelong learner) at caring for others. This is what I often focus on therapy for caregivers and therapy for high achievers and therapy for healthcare workers in my work as a Kansas City therapist.

At some point in your life there’s likely a moment where a core characteristic of how people would describe you was “selfless” and I’m going to take a guess that you took a lot of pride in being associated with it.

That is until you made the connection that

Being “selfless” meant you forgot about yourself and now you have no idea who you are outside of taking care of everyone else.

Feeling a little called out? Don’t worry, you’re not alone and it is more common than you think it is.

So where do you start in changing this pattern of behavior that has taken over your life?

1. Make time for yourself a priority, not an option

Too many times you have canceled plans that would be something recharging or important for you because someone needed you.

You do not have to be the hero in everyone else’s story and the villain in your own.

Self care doesn’t always look like taking a bath, getting a massage, or spending a day at the spa (though sometimes that is exactly what you need). Simply setting aside time without an agenda, plans, and your phone being on do not disturb for you to finally be present with yourself and your needs is a great starting point for reconnecting with yourself. This might also look like finally scheduling that mental health therapy intake, dentist appointment, or getting the new pair of shoes you been meaning to replace because they are falling apart.

2. Life is an adventure, treat it like one

You have been living for other people and their adventures. Watching a friend’s dog so they can go on vacation, planning a lavish birthday party so they feel loved and supported, going to the wedding of that college friend that you talk to once a year rather than spending the money to do that backpacking trip you’ve been Googling for years. Whether it is the relationships you are trying to foster, the career you’ve spent your entire life pursuing, or staying within the comfort of the structure and consistency you have created for yourself. Challenge it. Do something that makes you a little nervous. Try something new that pushes you outside of your comfort zone because that is how to find yourself again.

3. Forget perfect! Look at what is real.

Moving away from people pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies, and the need to be recognized for your efforts is not an easy task. Bring yourself back to your why. What are the values that are important to you that made you feel like you had to prioritize others in order to feel like your best self? Are there aspects of your life where “good enough” can exist for other people, where the all out mentality that you’ve given others can finally be used for yourself? Setting boundaries and focusing on your own burnout recovery means learning that "good enough" is actually a healthy place to be.

Bring yourself back to where we started: Praise, Need, & Perfection

Praise yourself for finally living life for you!

Acknowledge your needs and what you need to have them met, rather than forgotten.

Forget perfection and prioritize progress. You’ve lived for others for so long you’ve stopped allowing yourself to make mistakes, enjoy the journey of the process, and be bad at something.

Take an inventory and assessment of where you’re at. What do I need? What aspects of my life need extra attention or love? How am I going on an adventure of discovery for ME, rather than others?

If you are ready to start taking that inventory and putting yourself first, here are a few practical resources and daily practices to help you get started.

Resources:

Therapy with Me (A Kansas City Therapist Ready to Support You)

If you are a doctor, nurse, or healthcare worker running on empty after years of putting everyone else first, or a patient trying to navigate the overwhelming world of chronic illness and chronic pain, you do not have to do this alone.

As a licensed therapist in Kansas City, Missouri, I specialize in supporting both sides of the healthcare system. I work with healthcare professionals dealing with systemic burnout, moral injury, and the pressure to perform like robots while neglecting their own needs. I also work with individuals living with chronic pain, chronic illness, and high health anxiety who are tired of fighting a broken medical system just to feel heard.

If you have spent your life being the selfless caregiver or the perfect patient at the expense of your own well-being, it is time to start living for you. Together, we will work to decrease your medical trauma, build sustainable self-advocacy tools, set healthy boundaries, and reclaim your mental health.

If you are ready to stop fighting the system alone and start reconnecting with yourself, head over to my website at lifeyourway.org and send me a message to get connected for individual therapy support.

(Please note: I am located in Kansas City, MO, and provide therapy services to clients located in Missouri).

Apps to Help You Pause:

Insight Timer: A free meditation app with thousands of guided tracks and simple timers. It is perfect for carving out just five minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time to check in with yourself.

Opal: An app that temporarily blocks distracting notifications and work emails. Use it to protect your personal time so you can actually rest without the urge to check in.

Books for Your Nightstand:

The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. A highly practical guide that gives you word-for-word scripts on how to say no to family, friends, and coworkers without the guilt.

Needing to Please by Dr. Les Carter. An insightful read that unpacks the root causes of people-pleasing and helps you break the cycle of managing everyone else's happiness.

Coping Skills to Practice Daily:

The "Let Me Check My Calendar" Rule: When asked for a favor, avoid the automatic "yes." Say, "Let me check my schedule and get back to you," to give yourself time to decide if you actually have the capacity to help.

The "Good Enough" Audit: Pick one minor task today and intentionally do a "good enough" job instead of aiming for perfection. Practice sitting with the discomfort of letting it go, and notice that the world keeps spinning.