Comparison is the Thief of More Than Joy: How comparing your experiences can make you minimize your own pain and reality

We all know that incredibly familiar phrase, “comparison is the thief of joy.” While comparison often makes us feel inadequate, we talk far less about how it can make us question whether our own experiences are even valid. And what is one of the biggest contributors to this comparison? Social media.

People post the highlights of what they want to be seen. These are the glamorous parts of their lives, and sometimes, even the curated highlights of their suffering. You can utilize confirmation bias to find literally anything you want to feel validated in on the internet. So, if you are someone who is often hard on yourself and believes you’re not good enough, some of the content you consume might reinforce that very feeling and make it feel like reality.

You begin looking at people who are perhaps similar in age or at a similar point in their career, wondering why your life doesn’t look like their reality. What you’re not thinking about is your current reality in the present: the hard work and effort it has taken you to get to the point where you are, and the multifaceted dynamics of your life that have led to what feels like the really hard point that you are sitting in.

The truth is, when we are happy and feel good about the places that we are in, comparison does not show up in the same way.

Now, this is different for individuals who do not engage with the world with some sort of humility, but if you’re reading this blog, you’re likely not identifying with that as a core part of your life and how you function.

The next level to this is acknowledging that the comparison trap isn’t always, “I wish I had their life.” Sometimes, comparison sounds like, “I shouldn’t be struggling because someone else has it worse.” That is the comparison trap of a true empath.

Comparison often teaches us to minimize ourselves in our own realities, which can be connected to pain, suffering, financial struggles, challenges in support systems and connection, or anything that pertains to the human experience.

When we are focused so much on comparing ourselves to others, we stop reflecting on our own experiences. The automatic processing cues of "how is this affecting me" stop becoming a part of our thought patterns. Bringing the feelings back to ourselves becomes so far away from the norm that you start questioning your own feelings, often asking yourself, "am I allowed to feel this way?"

Your lived experiences do not need a disclaimer.

We can acknowledge the privilege of our lives and recognize that others may have it harder and still be honest about what is hurtful or impactful to you. Your pain does not have to go unacknowledged because other individuals' pain appears to be worse in the way that you are experiencing and interpreting it. This shows up in every aspect of our lives. We compare grief, relationships, careers, bodies, mental health, parenting, finances, and even how quickly we think we “should” be healing.

Your validation does not require ranking. There is no reason that you should feel you have to prove that your experience is worse than someone else's before you’re allowed to validate what you’re going through. If it is a challenge for you, if it is hard for you, and if it is impacting your daily life and lived experience, it is valid and you do not have to prove your pain to others.

So what do you do with this?

You begin to shift comparison into curiosity. Instead of asking, "do I have it bad enough to feel the emotions that are showing up for me in this moment," transition to asking yourself, "what is this experience asking of me right now?" There’s a likelihood that if you focus on resenting yourself in your own body, your own feelings, and your own experience in the present, you will begin to feel different about the very thing you are noticing you’re comparing yourself to others with.

That is the beauty of living. Your experience gets to be yours. You do not have to prove yourself to others for it to be valid. You are allowed to struggle with something even when you know you have a lot of things to be thankful and grateful for. And awareness of your privilege, and realizing that your suffering does not look like other suffering, keeps you connected to humanity and the human experience. It is not something that you need to feel shameful for, and it does not need to lead you to invalidating your own reality.

So take what you need and leave what you don’t.

Maybe comparison isn’t just the thief of joy, it is also the thief of self-trust, because every time you compare your experience away, you teach yourself not to listen to your own life.

Resources:

Therapy with Me (A Kansas City Therapist Ready to Support You)

If you are someone who constantly minimizes your own pain, struggles with the guilt of feeling like you "shouldn't be struggling," or finds yourself trapped in a loop of comparing your life to everyone else's, you do not have to navigate this alone.

As a licensed therapist in Kansas City, Missouri, I specialize in helping people break free from the comparison trap and rebuild trust in their own lived experiences. I work with individuals who feel the heavy pressure to keep up with the curated highlights of others, and those who struggle to validate their own suffering because they believe "someone else always has it worse." Together, we will work on quietening the voice of comparison, honoring your unique reality, and learning how to hold space for your pain without judgment or the need for a disclaimer.

If you are ready to stop ranking your pain and start validating your own life, head over to my website at lifeyourway.org and send me a message to get connected for individual therapy support.

(Please note: I am located in Kansas City, MO, and provide therapy services to clients located in Missouri).

Apps to Help You Reconnect with Yourself:

• How We Feel: This is an amazing, free app that helps you put actual words to what you are feeling. When you get stuck in your head comparing yourself to others, it can be hard to even know what your own emotions are. This app helps you pinpoint exactly what is going on inside so you can start validating your own experience instead of looking outward.

• Insight Timer: If you need to quiet the noise of everyone else's lives and get back to your own, this is my favorite app for free guided meditations. They have tons of quick, realistic tracks specifically for self-compassion, letting go of comparison, and learning how to sit with your own feelings without judging them.

  
  

Books for Your Nightstand:

• The Myth of Perfect by Dr. Mel Schwartz: This is an incredible read that challenges our obsession with certainty and external validation. It teaches you how to embrace your own unique path and find comfort in your own reality, free from the pressure of comparing your timeline to everyone else's.

• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach: This is a life-changing book about accepting your feelings and experiences exactly as they are in the present moment, without judgment or comparison, so you can begin to heal on your own terms.

  
  

Coping Skills to Practice Daily:

• The "No Disclaimer" Practice: The next time you feel sad, overwhelmed, or hurt, notice if your brain tries to add a disclaimer like, "but I shouldn't complain because..." or "but at least I don't have it as bad as..." Catch yourself in that moment. Gently stop the sentence and say out loud: "This is hard for me right now, and my feelings are allowed to exist." Practice letting your pain exist without needing to justify it.

• Shift to Curiosity: When you catch yourself looking at someone else's life, especially on social media, and feeling that familiar sting of inadequacy, pause. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: "What is this comparison trying to tell me about what I need right now?" Use the moment not to beat yourself up, but to gently investigate what parts of your own life are asking for more love, attention, or care.